Quote it

Wakey wakey eggs and bakey. Except it's eggables and fakon.

Miko's guilty pleasure--Bachelorette

So I have a confession to make.  Two weeks ago I watched at least 90 minutes of the bachelorette.  I had a second TV on the side to monitor the Orioles however.  One the great things about the Clark house is we have multiple average TVs.  {Dad, if you’re reading this can you get HDTV soon?  So when I visit my “parents house” I can watch HDTV.}  So normally there are two baseball games on, but Mom took over the command station and wanted to watch the Bachelorette.  And I’m so thankful I made it through an entire episode so I can blog about it.  (Second confession: I watched the following two episodes in their entirety)

For those of you with more important things to do with your time (if that’s possible), the basic premise of the bachelorette is to get ridiculously good-looking people who have plenty of money but one huge character flaw and let them interact.  Let the guys get mad at each other and let the girl start 25 relationships on the same date and cut them off one by one until you’re down to 2.  And then all of a sudden she needs to marry one.  What?! The second biggest decision of your life on national TV for all to watch.  And not to mention you’re putting your “sea” in the hands of ABC and let them narrow down your future spouse to 25* people.

Oh and your entire relationship is televised on national TV.  Like you could talk about anything substantial to a national audience.  Sure they ask if he’s ready to be a dad or how many kids she wants, but I feel like they don’t talk and feel as if they can’t talk about serious stuff couples should talk about.

A quick critic of the show itself.  Most of the show is them talking about how they feel about the date.  They never say anything important, it’s just a recap and say how nice it was and how sweet it is.  Blah Blah blah.  And the other part is kissing.  Lots of kisses.  Making out.  I hate watching kissing scenes.  With my mom.  So that’s what you’re missing: recaps and kissing, it’s like a train wreck and I haven’t turned away.

Bachelorette drinking game:  Their recaps and introductions are not unique either.  So a possible drinking game is to drink every time someone says “I missed you.” “I’m excited to see you.” Or “I just love being with him.”

So I don’t recommend watching the Bachelorette unless you need to throw up or want a conversation topic with me.

I’m not going to pick a winner for you enthusiasts out there but I will give you my Mom’s prediction quote:   “People normally go with their make out buddy and it never works out”

*I don’t know how many people start out and didn’t want to research it

Monday Quote Time

My wife hasn't even been born yet -anonymous

Financial Tip of the Day

Spend less than you make

Quote This

After getting a speeding ticket:

--Did you try to get off?

--"He didn't let me. He must have been gay"

Finance 101

I hope to revisit this topic frequently throughout the blog but we’ll see.  I’ll begin with some weekly tips I have about finance and you’ll quickly wonder how I actually got a finance degree.

Debt is not terrible and is defined as money we owe to someone else.  Like for instance, Chelsea is in debt to me.  She owes me $60 from Foxfields.  Luckily she isn’t being charged interest like car payments or credit card companies do.  Anyway, you do not want debt in things that depreciate in value, instead use debt on things that increase in value.

------Bad things to have debt on:  Credit Cards and Cars

It’s much better to pay off your credit card each month and better to pay for your car in full.

------Good things to have debt on: Real Estate and You

A mortgage is a great financial tool to invest in real estate.  Basically a mortgage is a big loan from a bank with a very low interest rate because the loan is secured by the house.  Real estate allows you to lock in a fixed payment and pay it off over 30 years, the house will have increased in value so you’ll have successfully invested and own something you never could have paid for in a lump sum.  Also the interest of a home mortgage is tax-deductible to encourage home-buying.

And finally you increase in value over time.  After an education, we are worth more, so if you can’t pay for your education in full it makes sense to get debt in yourself.

So avoid debt and the interest payments as much as possible unless it involves a house or higher education.

Things shouted at runners

I had a very clever shout out the other day that sparked this short blog post which runners should enjoy (and post the ones I forgot) and others should take note of.  I added my aside comments in parenthesis to each.

Standard

A wave (perfect and appreciated)

A lone finger acknowledging your presence without letting go of the wheel (I’ll take it)

(Honk Honk) (perfect and appreciated)

Almost there!! (Every race volunteer says this after 10% of the race is done, come on!)

Run Forest Run! (You’re not clever)

Nice thighs! (You’re probably insecure about you’re body but my mine looks great and my white muscular thighs)

Who wears short shorts?! (That’s what she said)

Flirty

Heyy sexyyyy (Always feels good)

Looooooking good (Don’t hate it)

Take it off! (Sorry, felt like a jogger today so I left my shirt on)

Mean

A lone finger that isn’t the pointer while letting go of the wheel (Someone’s in a bad mood)

Put a shirt on! (You just jealous)

Other side of the road (No thanks)

Get off the road! (Where am I suppose to go? Not trying to be fat like you)

Dogs

Arf Arf! (Glad there’s a fence)

RUFF RUFFF!! (Please be an electric fence, please be an electric fence)

Don’t worry he won’t bite. (I’m worried, because that’s what the last one said)

Back! Back! Get back here Rusty! (Dumb dog)

He never acts like this, So sorry. (Heard that one a million times)

Oh he’s just playing with you (I would prefer not to play)

Private property {As two dogs surround the runner about to attack} (Sucks)

Strange

Where’s your hydration? (Where’s your hair?)

Hmm. Who’s chasing you? (Loved it)

So next time you see me running, don’t be a dad and ask where’s your hydration and don’t say run forest run, be creative and clever and maybe I’ll remember it.  Or just honk or wave and that will suffice.

Monday Quote of The Week #?

Do I tithe 10% before or after taxes?

Belated Monday Quote of the Week

Someone's phone just vibrate. Actually that was my butt.

Tip of the day

Call your parents and tell them you love them.

The Perfect Girl

Most hormone filled guys constantly have their eyes open for a possible girlfriend, it's instinct.  While we’re still young, we’re looking for the dream girl.  The dream girl is different for every person, but I feel like in college we don’t compromise in looking for our dream girl.  After college, we might make a few concessions.  Furthermore, if we’re 33 and still single, we’ve compromised enough that’s we’re just trying to mate to continue to our family name.  But, I digress.  We’re talking about the dream girl.

Rose-Colored Glasses - One of the best things about meeting a new girl is that they have no personality flaws.  There’s so much mystery to them, that we don’t imagine personality flaws we just imagine what we want, filling in the gaps with ideal hopes.  And on top of that, if the new girl we meet passes the physical description of dream girl (once again different for every guy), we put on the rose-colored glasses.

Hooked - After the rose-colored glasses are put on, the girl can do no wrong.  There isn’t anything she can say that will hamper our opinion of her.  I mean she started out a dream girl, and she’ll stay that way for a little bit.  So you might make some small talk, and she’ll say something about herself.  Most of the time it doesn’t matter what she says, but you’ll feel like she said the perfect thing.  Your heart will start racing and you’ll think, “She’s perfect for me.”  She could say something as simple as oh I love skiing, and instantly you’re hooked.

About 9 strikes - After the rose-colored glasses and the hook, the dream girl becomes a baseball inning with about 9 strikes.  Once the guy is hooked, it will take multiple efforts from the girl to deter him.  I mean you started out as the dream girl, and he felt like there’s a connection, so he’ll hang around for a little while for sure, I mean it takes awhile to get up to 9 strikes.

Guys, continue to dream big, but know that you embellish what you don’t know about the girl.  And girls, tread softly for you tread on our dreams.

Easiest Classes at UVA

This might have been significantly more helpful if I had posted this when people were signing up for classes, but oh well, there’s always next semester…for some of us.  I believe I have enough validity to write about this subject because how I view class scheduling.

Some people take classes they’re interested in.  Some people take the easy way out.  I’m the latter, and have taken quite a selection of gut classes in my time here.  (“Gut” means easy)  Some people would rather get a B and feel as if they’ve really learned something, I’d rather have an A and not know anything about the class a month later.  I don’t believe what you learn in class is that applicable later.  A college diploma means that graduate is trainable and how you get that diploma isn’t too important.  If you can pass college level classes, it tells a company you can be trained to operate in the real world.  So here are the five easiest classes I took at UVA:

1         COMM 180 – Introduction to Business – Taught by Robert Kemp, who has a billion stories about China, Japan, drinking with colleagues, and so forth and so on.  The tests are similar to a vocabulary test, and are all multiple choice.  He’ll convince you you’ll need to get the Wall Street Journal.  Don’t.  Resist it just like when you’ll tell your mechanic you just want an oil change and not every fluid imaginable in your car changed.

2         ASTR 121 – Sky and Solar System – I took this class without buying the book.  I only took notes when the professor wrote it on the board (Best advice “ratemyprofessor.com” has ever given me).  The tests are fairly easy, especially if you like math and science.  Make sure you go to the outdoor lab where you will find the coolest laser pointer known to man.

3         COMM 331 – Commercial Law -- Don’t waste your time buying the book.  Just come to class and pay attention to the examples, most of them involve drinking anyway.  The tests are open note, but not like science open note where the answer isn’t in your notes.  In this class, all your answers are in your notes, so just print off the notes before the test, and use common sense.

4         DRAM 208 – History of the Circus – Most entertaining gut class ever.  You’ll quickly realize this class is really easy when 4 defense starters on the football team walk in the first day.  We watched 30 minutes of video clips minimum per class.  I got free tickets to the circus in Richmond, and we had clowns give a performance in class.  It’s just too entertaining.  It meets some historical study requirement, and you only have 2 tests to take, and no papers.

5         EVSC 101 – Introduction to Environmental Science – Tom Smith is a boss.  He literally wore exactly what I would wear to class.  Jeans and a full zip black hoodie.  I didn’t buy the book, just ran through the Powerpoints before the test.  It’s a very skippable class.

Fun fact: none of these classes met on a Friday, so if you research hard enough on class scheduling you can have your cake and eat it too.

FOMO's

You’re in college and you want to have the most fun.  You’re free to do anything and have no limits.  You want to be plugged in to everything that’s happening because god forbid, you miss out on a fun time.  You’re disappointed when somewhere else fun is happening, and you’re not there.  There’s a lot of these people running around, and I like to call them FOMO’s, (fear of missing out-ers).

Non-committal - These are the people that never commit to anything.  They stay on the fence and don’t want to be tied down by one activity.  They’re constantly waiting and hoping that something better will come along and they won’t miss out.  As a first year, these people constantly wander the halls just checking on what other people are doing, sort of monitoring.  If you ask them if they have any plans, they’ll say “no plans, just seeing what’s going on?”  In the worst case, I’ve heard FOMOs explain how they use their free time with only wishy washy philosophical jargon: “I’m really spontaneous, and love having spontaneous fun, like if you said let’s go camping tonight, I would totally do it” 

Rant on spontaneity - Here’s a quick rant at those philosophical types.  There aren’t enough people or opportunities to sustain spontaneous fun all the time.  You can have really fun spontaneous days, but most days, spontaneous people sit waiting around for something to happen, just waiting.  Everyone else has some type of schedule they use to keep their life straight.  Maybe you should too.

First year FOMO’s (FYFOMO's) - Many first years are scared to commit a day, an afternoon, or a weekend to something.  They’re scared they’ll miss something at UVA.  They’re scared that while they’re away, so much fun will happen, so many better things will take place and they’ll be outside the fun circle.  Reality check, most weekends at college are about the same.  Seen one, seen them all (exception: Halloween).  The weekend you give up can be replaced by a basically identical experience the next weekend.  But that special weekend commitment doesn’t happen every weekend.  You don’t a second chance at that.  Be committal and adventurous and do something different, even if you have to give up your whole weekend, because honestly a standard weekend at college is not as valuable as you think.

Opportunity Cost - These FOMO’s live their lives constantly searching for the next thing instead of enjoying the present as much as they should.  It’s hard to look at a situation and constantly say that this is best option for me, that this is the most fun, that there is no place I’d rather be than right here.  But if you can do that or at least act like it, if you can honestly be happy about where you are all the time, you’ll be a whole lot more fun to be around.

Spacey - Another problem with FOMOs is that they are not much fun to be around, they never give you their undivided attention.  Their fun radar is constantly searching for maximizing fun, so their eyes and minds wander as they converse with you, and then you just feel disrespected.  Stop worrying about missing out, most of the time the thing you’re doing is the best option, so give it your full attention and others will enjoy your company a lot more.

So, don’t be a FOMO, commit to things, and give each situation your full attention.

Who does more work?

In college we run into friends in passing all the time.  Between classes, at the dining hall, out on the town, a bunch of different places.  Most quick conversations go something like this.  One person asks how the other is doing.  The other complains about the work they have.  The first person gives their condolences and then counters with their own complaints about their work.  Most of the time they don’t even wait until the question has been re-asked.  Misery has company.  Here’s a novel idea and a true challenge to most:  Don’t talk about all the work you have to do, talk about something else.

If you actually accept this challenge, you’ll quickly realize how much (or how little) you complain about work.  You realize how much of the conversation was spent talking about papers, projects, and teachers.

We all go to UVA, we all have homework.  Let’s not be competitive about who has it worse.  Let’s not go around complaining and comparing workloads.  Don’t think and complain about having a paper due and an exam on the same day, think about how lucky you are that you’re getting a degree from college.  Think about how you’re slated to earn a million more dollars in your career than a non-collegian.  Think about how fortunate you are to spend four years in college around some of the coolest people you’ll ever meet.  Think about all those things, and then decide if having 3 exams in 2 days is worth complaining about to someone you only see once a week.

If we stop talking about the work we have to do, we can start talking about each other’s actual life.  Because in real friendships, you talk about more things than whether or not they’ll make a 5 PM deadline for that 12 page paper.  Once we stop talking about our work, we can talk about how we’re really doing.  About how we’re feeling, about our family, about our friends, about our experiences, about the things that actually matter.

Jorts--An American Tradition

So I scanned the internet for an article supporting wearing jorts.  Funny thing, I couldn’t find any, so I wrote my own.  From all the negative stereotyping, it’s possible that standard jorts-wearing people don’t waste time writing articles to an audience of 4, but I do.

What are Jorts?  Before I delve into the deep political, economical, and social benefits of jorts, I need to quickly define what is and what are not jorts.  Jorts are denim jeans that were first long legged.  But, after some wear, enough to break in the jeans, the owner decides to cut them off.  There is much debate as to the proper location to cut the jeans, but the best length is 3-4 inches above the knee, and it has to be above the knee; if you’re looking for a tailor I recommend Kevin Carter.  When cutting, make sure to take your time and use a sharp knife or scissors to keep the fray under control.  You’re hoping for a snug feel and the freedom to let your knees breathe beneath a small fray.

When can I wear them?  Seeing people in jorts is definitely a privilege, especially since it’s hard to pull it off in the standard public, especially if you’re looking to be employable in a few months.  To wear jorts you need three things:  Friends, America and Beer.  Luckily that’s not too restrictive, but it does cancel out class.  Here are a few great examples of when jorts are acceptable and possibly encouraged.  Playing corn-hole on the weekend.  Going to a theme-party.  Going Camping.  Going to your first NASCAR race.  Riding an ATV.  The goal when wearing jorts is to be outside in America with a cold beverage in your hand at all times, so that’s the opportunity you’re looking for.  Theme parties might sound like a stretch until we look at the political, economical, and social benefits.

What are the benefits?  The instant political benefit is everyone knows you love America, and that’s a big deal.  The first economical benefit is extending the shelf-life of your jeans.  If you’re jeans are tattered around the ankles or you got a few too many grass stains or stepped in who knows what, just make them into jorts, and save yourself from throwing them out or hiding them in the duldrums of your closet.  The second economical benefit is you won’t have to buy nice beer, because you can’t drink Stella when wearing jorts.  The social benefits are by far the best.  If you’ve followed the rules of jorts-wearing, you’ll be in a great spot.  Socially you’ll be outside enjoying America with cold beverages and having a good time with your friends.  The other benefit is people can’t NOT talk about them.  If you’re with someone where they don’t know what to talk about, I guarantee they'll eventually say “I like your jorts.”  This line isn’t always a compliment, but it’s always a talking point and boom, social benefit.

Jorts may never be fashionable, but they’ll always be comfortable and American.

Cell Phone Ringtones

Here’s a fun game to play with your family, or better yet your significant other’s family.  At any family gathering, especially holidays, tell everyone to take out their cell phones and play their ringer and you try to guess which person has which ringer.  Here’s a quick description of the types of people you’ll run into based solely on their ringtone.

Silent -  College kid.  No one else’s time is that important.  They don’t want to bother others with their phone going off.  Actual calls are clearly less important than text messages because they miss basically every call.  They love deciding when to check their phone, possibly when actual face to face conversations have died, and they also love having missed texts.  You know, that feeling when you check your phone and boom, 6 new text messages.  Ah, that’s a good day.

Vibrate-  College kid still looking for a job.  They’ve recently changed to vibrate after missing a few unknown number phone calls.  They hold onto hope that the call is from a prospective employer when most of the time it turns out to be some random number or something unimportant and further validates why they don’t answer unknown numbers.  They like knowing when their texts have arrived, but they don’t immediately respond to texts, and still use texting to avoid lulls in the conversation.

“All the single ladies” ringtone – Clearly the wild aunt.  She may or may not be married.  She’s trying to stay hip with the girls.  She’s also really excited that she knows how to work a smart phone and thinks it will impress the younger crowd.  If your family doesn’t have a wild aunt, the prototype you’re looking for comes from Mean Girls.

“Riding Dirty” ringtone – Cousin who forgot to upgrade.  This is the guy that was cool back in the day.  Remember 4 years ago when everyone had this ringtone.  Unfortunately the real life hit this cousin like a train wreck and they’ll never gotten around to upgrading their ringtone or their phone.

“Loud Beeps” - Parents.  They’re happy with their lives and really like all the gadgets on their cell phones.  Unfortunately they can never agree on a ringtone.  They say things like “I just want it to sound a normal telephone ring.” Well of course, there are no options like that on current cell phones.  When it rings, they hop around and try to locate where they put it last.  Often they pick up their spouse’s phone by mistake, before correcting themselves.

“Deafening Beeps” Grand-parents.  They were forced to get a cell-phone to put their children at ease.  We’ll use it for emergencies only, or just when we’re out driving.  So reluctantly the grand-parents got the phone and use it more than they expected.  --Side Note: Don’t text grandparents.  I recently checked my grandpa’s and they were 7 unread messages dating back 18 months.-- Even though many people didn’t know phone ringtones could reach this decibel level, it doesn’t bother or affect the grandparents.  They’ll be having a friendly conversation and their phone will go off.  Everyone in the room will acknowledge it except for them.  They’ll continue nodding with the conversation.  Someone will chime it, “your phone is ringing.”  “What?”  “Your PHONE is ringing!”  This interchange will happen long enough so they miss the call.

That’s the funny thing about cell phones.  It goes full circle.  Kids don’t pick up the phone because they don’t have enough time to talk and grandparents don’t pick up because they don’t have enough time to pick up.  Either way both calls go unanswered.

Tuesday's Tip of the Day #9

When eating at a dining hall, especially newcomb, always remember 'fork first'

Quotable Mondays #9

"On a Scale of 1 to 10... where should I go to find a shot glass?"

What is ABW?

ABW is a theme my apartment has lived by for the last two years.  More succinctly, it’s a way of life.  It describes what we’re doing most often when we’re in the apartment, and quite frankly we’ve gotten very good at it after two years.

ABW stands for Anything But Work.  This can be anything you choose to do, and the only rule is you must have work you should be doing instead.  Reading Sports Illustrated in the hammock is ABW.  So is watching country music videos on CMT.  So is stalking Facebook for 30 minutes to find that girl from class.  As is scouring the internet for funny videos to show your friends.  As is taking a 30 minute power nap so your eyes are well rested to read for biology.  Talking to your roommates about your day is ABW.  Watching the end of a sports game where the outcome is certain and has been certain for the last 10 minutes is ABW.  Throwing the volleyball in the apartment, mainly to prove that your parents don’t reign over you anymore because they can’t tell you to stop, is ABW.  So ABW is seemingly limitless.

The benefits of ABW. One of the best parts of ABW is telling it to someone else.  What are you guys doing today?  Probably just ABW. -- You can act like you have a schedule or something you’re actually suppose to do when in fact it means you don’t have plans at all.  Or better yet, saying I have a lot of ABW to do.  This makes you sound important.  It makes you feel valued.  I’m a busy man and my time is important, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to do all the ABW I want to do, when in fact it’s an oxymoron saying you have a lot of nothing to do.

Next time, you’re procrastinating and someone asks you what you’re doing, don’t talk about procrastination or work.  Calmly respond with “just catching up on some ABW.”

The Art of Eating an Oreo

One of my favorite treats of being at home is eating Oreos.  This might be one of the best midnight snacks ever created, and I don’t have it at college enough because mama can’t buy me Oreos there.  Some people claim, similar to Reese’s, that there is no wrong way to eat an Oreo.  This is a bold-faced lie.  There are plenty of wrong ways to eat Oreos, but I know there is at least one correct way.

Eating only two Oreos– WRONG! Really, the marginal utility of an Oreo barely decreases from the first Oreo until the 10th.  Eating only two is a weak compromise to your conscience.  When you snack on Oreo’s, you should go big or go home.

Twist off and lick the cream – WRONG! This is cool…if you’re 8.  It takes too long and isn’t more enjoyable than normal snacking.

Eating without milk – WRONG! It’s not terrible.  Oreos are still really good, but there is so much synergy with milk that without milk, you’re not unleashing the full potential of the Oreo.

Eating Single Stuf – WRONG! It’s not really an Oreo, it’s just a cookie.  The icing ratio doesn’t cut it, and you’re left asking yourself if you actually had a treat.

Making a quadruple stuff – WRONG! You might know this technique.  A double twist off to start, and then combining the two icing halves (while eating the remaining cookie halves themselves).  Don’t get me wrong, this is really good.  But it falls apart too easily and it’s like eating straight cream.  If you’re dying for straight white sugar, just sneak into mama’s cabinet and eat cake icing instead.

Which brings us to the correct way…

Earn the Right to Be Naughty

Eating Oreos properly takes planning.  A key factor is knowing that you won’t just eat two Oreos, you know you’ll eat at least a sleeve (1/3 of the box).  As Alex Clark knows, this is being naughty.  So if you know you’re going to be naughty you need to counter the effects with rigorous activity during the day.  So make sure you’ve gotten adequate exercise and have earned the right to be naughty.

Avoid distractions and make sure you indulge under the cover of nightfall

If you’re earned the right, you need to wait until its dark outside so no one else can see your naughty acts, a crucial Oreo eating component.  So pour yourself a cup of milk in a breakfast glass with ample diameter for dunking.  Make sure you’re focused on eating and not on watching TV.  Also, you shouldn’t drink any milk until you’re finished eating Oreos or else the milk level gets too low for dunks.

Proper technique maximizes synergy

Now you’re ready to indulge.  Grab your double-stuf (yes it MUST be double stuf) Oreo with two fingers on just one of the cookies.  Gently dunk it in the milk, submerging it as much as you can without getting the fingers wet.  Let it rest for 2-3 seconds.  You don’t want it to be too soggy, or worse break off and sink to the bottom of the cup, a huge setback in an Oreo eating night.  Then gently remove the Oreo and eat in one bite.  The soft cookie won’t slow down your teeth as they immediately savor the cream, but as you chew you’ll be glad a little bit of the cookie is dry and adds a delectable small crunch.  Enjoy every chew, especially because there’s a lot of calories in an Oreo and you’ll be eating a full sleeve.  Repeat the process until you feel naughty.  Most of the times it takes me about a sleeve but sometimes 6 cookies will work.  However don’t do less than 4, eating Oreos is an event that’s needs to be fully enjoyed and savored.

Oreo-eating is an art, and I consider myself an artist when I’m pounding through a sleeve of Oreos and milk at midnight and you should too.