Jorts--An American Tradition

So I scanned the internet for an article supporting wearing jorts.  Funny thing, I couldn’t find any, so I wrote my own.  From all the negative stereotyping, it’s possible that standard jorts-wearing people don’t waste time writing articles to an audience of 4, but I do.

What are Jorts?  Before I delve into the deep political, economical, and social benefits of jorts, I need to quickly define what is and what are not jorts.  Jorts are denim jeans that were first long legged.  But, after some wear, enough to break in the jeans, the owner decides to cut them off.  There is much debate as to the proper location to cut the jeans, but the best length is 3-4 inches above the knee, and it has to be above the knee; if you’re looking for a tailor I recommend Kevin Carter.  When cutting, make sure to take your time and use a sharp knife or scissors to keep the fray under control.  You’re hoping for a snug feel and the freedom to let your knees breathe beneath a small fray.

When can I wear them?  Seeing people in jorts is definitely a privilege, especially since it’s hard to pull it off in the standard public, especially if you’re looking to be employable in a few months.  To wear jorts you need three things:  Friends, America and Beer.  Luckily that’s not too restrictive, but it does cancel out class.  Here are a few great examples of when jorts are acceptable and possibly encouraged.  Playing corn-hole on the weekend.  Going to a theme-party.  Going Camping.  Going to your first NASCAR race.  Riding an ATV.  The goal when wearing jorts is to be outside in America with a cold beverage in your hand at all times, so that’s the opportunity you’re looking for.  Theme parties might sound like a stretch until we look at the political, economical, and social benefits.

What are the benefits?  The instant political benefit is everyone knows you love America, and that’s a big deal.  The first economical benefit is extending the shelf-life of your jeans.  If you’re jeans are tattered around the ankles or you got a few too many grass stains or stepped in who knows what, just make them into jorts, and save yourself from throwing them out or hiding them in the duldrums of your closet.  The second economical benefit is you won’t have to buy nice beer, because you can’t drink Stella when wearing jorts.  The social benefits are by far the best.  If you’ve followed the rules of jorts-wearing, you’ll be in a great spot.  Socially you’ll be outside enjoying America with cold beverages and having a good time with your friends.  The other benefit is people can’t NOT talk about them.  If you’re with someone where they don’t know what to talk about, I guarantee they'll eventually say “I like your jorts.”  This line isn’t always a compliment, but it’s always a talking point and boom, social benefit.

Jorts may never be fashionable, but they’ll always be comfortable and American.

Cell Phone Ringtones

Here’s a fun game to play with your family, or better yet your significant other’s family.  At any family gathering, especially holidays, tell everyone to take out their cell phones and play their ringer and you try to guess which person has which ringer.  Here’s a quick description of the types of people you’ll run into based solely on their ringtone.

Silent -  College kid.  No one else’s time is that important.  They don’t want to bother others with their phone going off.  Actual calls are clearly less important than text messages because they miss basically every call.  They love deciding when to check their phone, possibly when actual face to face conversations have died, and they also love having missed texts.  You know, that feeling when you check your phone and boom, 6 new text messages.  Ah, that’s a good day.

Vibrate-  College kid still looking for a job.  They’ve recently changed to vibrate after missing a few unknown number phone calls.  They hold onto hope that the call is from a prospective employer when most of the time it turns out to be some random number or something unimportant and further validates why they don’t answer unknown numbers.  They like knowing when their texts have arrived, but they don’t immediately respond to texts, and still use texting to avoid lulls in the conversation.

“All the single ladies” ringtone – Clearly the wild aunt.  She may or may not be married.  She’s trying to stay hip with the girls.  She’s also really excited that she knows how to work a smart phone and thinks it will impress the younger crowd.  If your family doesn’t have a wild aunt, the prototype you’re looking for comes from Mean Girls.

“Riding Dirty” ringtone – Cousin who forgot to upgrade.  This is the guy that was cool back in the day.  Remember 4 years ago when everyone had this ringtone.  Unfortunately the real life hit this cousin like a train wreck and they’ll never gotten around to upgrading their ringtone or their phone.

“Loud Beeps” - Parents.  They’re happy with their lives and really like all the gadgets on their cell phones.  Unfortunately they can never agree on a ringtone.  They say things like “I just want it to sound a normal telephone ring.” Well of course, there are no options like that on current cell phones.  When it rings, they hop around and try to locate where they put it last.  Often they pick up their spouse’s phone by mistake, before correcting themselves.

“Deafening Beeps” Grand-parents.  They were forced to get a cell-phone to put their children at ease.  We’ll use it for emergencies only, or just when we’re out driving.  So reluctantly the grand-parents got the phone and use it more than they expected.  --Side Note: Don’t text grandparents.  I recently checked my grandpa’s and they were 7 unread messages dating back 18 months.-- Even though many people didn’t know phone ringtones could reach this decibel level, it doesn’t bother or affect the grandparents.  They’ll be having a friendly conversation and their phone will go off.  Everyone in the room will acknowledge it except for them.  They’ll continue nodding with the conversation.  Someone will chime it, “your phone is ringing.”  “What?”  “Your PHONE is ringing!”  This interchange will happen long enough so they miss the call.

That’s the funny thing about cell phones.  It goes full circle.  Kids don’t pick up the phone because they don’t have enough time to talk and grandparents don’t pick up because they don’t have enough time to pick up.  Either way both calls go unanswered.

Tuesday's Tip of the Day #9

When eating at a dining hall, especially newcomb, always remember 'fork first'

Quotable Mondays #9

"On a Scale of 1 to 10... where should I go to find a shot glass?"

What is ABW?

ABW is a theme my apartment has lived by for the last two years.  More succinctly, it’s a way of life.  It describes what we’re doing most often when we’re in the apartment, and quite frankly we’ve gotten very good at it after two years.

ABW stands for Anything But Work.  This can be anything you choose to do, and the only rule is you must have work you should be doing instead.  Reading Sports Illustrated in the hammock is ABW.  So is watching country music videos on CMT.  So is stalking Facebook for 30 minutes to find that girl from class.  As is scouring the internet for funny videos to show your friends.  As is taking a 30 minute power nap so your eyes are well rested to read for biology.  Talking to your roommates about your day is ABW.  Watching the end of a sports game where the outcome is certain and has been certain for the last 10 minutes is ABW.  Throwing the volleyball in the apartment, mainly to prove that your parents don’t reign over you anymore because they can’t tell you to stop, is ABW.  So ABW is seemingly limitless.

The benefits of ABW. One of the best parts of ABW is telling it to someone else.  What are you guys doing today?  Probably just ABW. -- You can act like you have a schedule or something you’re actually suppose to do when in fact it means you don’t have plans at all.  Or better yet, saying I have a lot of ABW to do.  This makes you sound important.  It makes you feel valued.  I’m a busy man and my time is important, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to do all the ABW I want to do, when in fact it’s an oxymoron saying you have a lot of nothing to do.

Next time, you’re procrastinating and someone asks you what you’re doing, don’t talk about procrastination or work.  Calmly respond with “just catching up on some ABW.”

The Art of Eating an Oreo

One of my favorite treats of being at home is eating Oreos.  This might be one of the best midnight snacks ever created, and I don’t have it at college enough because mama can’t buy me Oreos there.  Some people claim, similar to Reese’s, that there is no wrong way to eat an Oreo.  This is a bold-faced lie.  There are plenty of wrong ways to eat Oreos, but I know there is at least one correct way.

Eating only two Oreos– WRONG! Really, the marginal utility of an Oreo barely decreases from the first Oreo until the 10th.  Eating only two is a weak compromise to your conscience.  When you snack on Oreo’s, you should go big or go home.

Twist off and lick the cream – WRONG! This is cool…if you’re 8.  It takes too long and isn’t more enjoyable than normal snacking.

Eating without milk – WRONG! It’s not terrible.  Oreos are still really good, but there is so much synergy with milk that without milk, you’re not unleashing the full potential of the Oreo.

Eating Single Stuf – WRONG! It’s not really an Oreo, it’s just a cookie.  The icing ratio doesn’t cut it, and you’re left asking yourself if you actually had a treat.

Making a quadruple stuff – WRONG! You might know this technique.  A double twist off to start, and then combining the two icing halves (while eating the remaining cookie halves themselves).  Don’t get me wrong, this is really good.  But it falls apart too easily and it’s like eating straight cream.  If you’re dying for straight white sugar, just sneak into mama’s cabinet and eat cake icing instead.

Which brings us to the correct way…

Earn the Right to Be Naughty

Eating Oreos properly takes planning.  A key factor is knowing that you won’t just eat two Oreos, you know you’ll eat at least a sleeve (1/3 of the box).  As Alex Clark knows, this is being naughty.  So if you know you’re going to be naughty you need to counter the effects with rigorous activity during the day.  So make sure you’ve gotten adequate exercise and have earned the right to be naughty.

Avoid distractions and make sure you indulge under the cover of nightfall

If you’re earned the right, you need to wait until its dark outside so no one else can see your naughty acts, a crucial Oreo eating component.  So pour yourself a cup of milk in a breakfast glass with ample diameter for dunking.  Make sure you’re focused on eating and not on watching TV.  Also, you shouldn’t drink any milk until you’re finished eating Oreos or else the milk level gets too low for dunks.

Proper technique maximizes synergy

Now you’re ready to indulge.  Grab your double-stuf (yes it MUST be double stuf) Oreo with two fingers on just one of the cookies.  Gently dunk it in the milk, submerging it as much as you can without getting the fingers wet.  Let it rest for 2-3 seconds.  You don’t want it to be too soggy, or worse break off and sink to the bottom of the cup, a huge setback in an Oreo eating night.  Then gently remove the Oreo and eat in one bite.  The soft cookie won’t slow down your teeth as they immediately savor the cream, but as you chew you’ll be glad a little bit of the cookie is dry and adds a delectable small crunch.  Enjoy every chew, especially because there’s a lot of calories in an Oreo and you’ll be eating a full sleeve.  Repeat the process until you feel naughty.  Most of the times it takes me about a sleeve but sometimes 6 cookies will work.  However don’t do less than 4, eating Oreos is an event that’s needs to be fully enjoyed and savored.

Oreo-eating is an art, and I consider myself an artist when I’m pounding through a sleeve of Oreos and milk at midnight and you should too.

Tuesday's Tip of the Day #8

Write down all the contents of your wallet, so when you lose it, you'll know exactly what you've lost.

Quotable Mondays #8

Guest Lecturer in a Business Class

Topic: Bill Clinton

Quote: "It was a blow to his perceived character"